i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
