More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
