umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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