when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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