i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
