Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
