I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
