it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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