You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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