I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dignity is for republicans.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
