it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
