if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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