So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
