When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
