In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you guys were way drunker than both of me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
