i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
How's work?
Spinning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
