OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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