Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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