this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
