He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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