I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
