I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
