is your mom at the bar?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
