Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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