You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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