i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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