I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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