the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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