White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
