Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They have beer where we have blood.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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