Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
