just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
