Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
