Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
