dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Too much gin, very little bucket
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
