Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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