she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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