The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize