The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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