forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
