he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
