If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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