remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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