I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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