how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
