Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
