Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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