she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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