mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
