Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
