We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
