My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
