I wish they made helmets for livers.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
